Still Game Live Hydro Arena Glasgow 2014

Bobby: Hello, aye, finally, I was on hold for about 10 minutes there. Well, the point is, I’m a very busy business man. I run a pub. Craiglang. The Clansman. Aye, Bobby, that’s right. Yes, I was Troy the gardener in a film. Indeed, it was not. It was an arthouse movie. Set in Paisley. Look the point is, I’ve been phoning your shop every day this week and still nae iPad. Oh really, today, oh wow, that’s amazing man. No, I’ll come down this afternoon.

Bobby: Listen, will the guy I spoke to yesterday on the phone be there? Robert? He will. Well, is he a big fella? He is. TaeKwonDo? Really? Well could you possibly tell him before I come that I’m really very, very sorry for calling him a wanker yesterday. Cheers. Cheers all the best now.

Bobby: Yes, ya beauty. A brand new iPad. It’s good to treat yourself, Bobby boy. I don’t know what it is about today, but something just feels different. I might even put bog roll in the toilets. I might even be nice to my punters for a change.

Bobby: Isaac, I have been listening to your pish now for 40 minutes, and I’m still smiling.

Bobby: Winston, what can I get ye? What’s that? You know, you are quite right, I am a creepy ring piece.

Bobby: Aye, nobody is upsetting me the day. Nothing, is gonna go wrong.

Bobby: Oh, ya bastard.

Tam: Oh, ya bastard. Oh, that’s a smashing way to greet your first customer of the day.

Bobby: Not you. I just smashed a bottle of whiskey.

Tam: Whiskey?

Bobby: Aye.

Tam: Full?

Bobby: Yep.

Tam: Location?

Bobby: There. Gonna go and get a mop.

Tam: Aye, you get a mop, I’ll get a straw.

Tam: Look at that, it’s a golden river down here. It’s a waterfall. Goodness.

Bobby: You better not be doing what I think you’re doing. There’ll be bits of glass all through that.

Tam: That’s a risk worth taking Bobby. Collateral damage, they cry that. Oi.

Bobby: Oh, oh get back, get away from there, ya filthy bastard.

Bobby: Look at you, ya animal.

Tam: What’s it to you? It’s only spillage.

Bobby: Get out.

Bobby: Honest to Christ, Tam, that takes the biscuit that does. Scurrying about with a straw. You’re lower than a rat’s balls, disgusting.

Tam: It was not disgusting. It was Bells.

Bobby: Unbelievable. I mean, you’re the guy that doesn’t even wear specs, but you went for a free eye test.

Tam: You missed a bit of glass there, Bobby.

Bobby: Aye, right.

Bobby: And you told your Francis that you couldn’t have a color tele because they give you cancer.

Tam: And another bit, look, you don’t want that up your foot.

Bobby: Oi, you prick.

Bobby: And worse of all, your own mother and father died a week apart and you asked the Co-op if they’d do a two for one.

Bobby: Aye, you’re a sick man, Tam.

Tam: Aye, aye, I know Bobby, son. It’s like an illness.

Naveed: That’s me back.

Meena: [foreign language 00:05:29]

Naveed: Aye, very funny, Meena. You should be on the stage, but you’re not are you? You’re stuck behind the beaded curtain. Best place for you. Boot.

Meena: [foreign language 00:05:50]

Naveed: Oh, it’s the bollocks, Heid Butt.

Meena: Heid butt?

Naveed: Aye, Heid Butt. For weans, you know? Heid Butt, mental, isn’t it.

Naveed: Banned in America. Daft yanks. You can buy a submachine gun in the Walmart, but you cannot buy a can of this stuff.

Meena: [foreign language 00:06:13]

Naveed: 65 different ingredients. All of them unpronounceable, except, aye, nicotine.

Isa: Hello, Naveed. It’s me, back from old Tony Fraser’s funeral.

Naveed: Oh, aye?

Isa: Oh it was terrible. There was nobody there. Nobody at all.

Naveed: Oh dear. No family left, any friends?

Isa: No, they’d the wrong day, he’s getting planted tomorrow. I feel that stupid, I’ll need to go twice, now.

Naveed: Dozy bastard.

Isa: Oh, here, wait till I tell you.

Naveed: If I must.

Isa: Aye, I was just talking to Elsie Kenzie, you mind Elsie? 15 year old boy, 40 stone. He has a full bucket of Kentucky Fried for breakfast and fires cheesburgers down his throat like Smarties. Anyway, she done a lovely thing. She got him tickets to go and see thon Beyonce. Oh but my, they had a hell of a carry on getting him in. They’d to get a special lift to get them to their seats, it was like moving a piano. She had to buy three seats, two for him and one for her. See the folk behind him are ranging.

Isa: But she said it was marvelous. Mind you she’d had to cover his eyes through some of is ’cause that Beyonce [inaudible 00:07:39] known. She says at times you could nearly see her business.

Naveed: Aye well, I’d crawl over broken gingie bottles to see Beyonce’s business.

Isa: Aye, there’s a name for that. What do they cry it again? Donkey toe.

Naveed: Camel toe, eejit! Where was this anyway?

Isa: Doon about here.

Naveed: No you dozy bastard, where was the show?

Isa: The Hydro.

Naveed: Beyonce’s played the Hydro? Ah, that is the fickle world of pop stardom, huh? One minute you are headlining Las Vegas and the next minute boom, you’re playing Peebles.

Isa: No. No Peebles Hydro. The Glasgow Hydro. The Hydro.

Naveed: Oh, that Hydro?

Isa: Aye.

Naveed: I often have fantasies of opening a shop inside the big bonnet. All of Scotland pishing it’s money right into my till.

Isa: I’d like to go to a big place like that. See a lovely show.

Naveed: Aye, so what would you see?

Isa: Noel’s House Party.

Naveed: Oh Isa, that is more out of date than they [inaudible 00:09:33] scones.

Isa: The Rolling Stones?

Naveed: Sixty quids to see a bunch of skeletons? Can’t get no satisfaction in that.

Isa: The Bee Gees.

Naveed: Aye well, I think you mean Bee Gee.

Isa: Aye, it’s a sin that, wasn’t it?

Naveed: Terrible, aye.

Isa: Well I don’t know, someday.

Naveed: Tell you what, Isa, next time somebody good comes to the Hydro, someone that we both like, as a bonus I’ll take you.

Isa: What’s a bonus.

Naveed: It is when an employer decides that a staff member is to be rewarded over and above their weekly remuneration. A supplementary gift in cash or in kind but rarely cash.

Isa: I’ve never heard of that. A night out, eh? At the Hydro?

Meena: [foreign language 00:10:27]. Robbie William concert.

Naveed: Robbie Williams is shit. He’s a terrorist junkie bastard.

Meena: [foreign language 00:10:39].

Naveed: No, no, no. I can see it now. Aye, so. He comes off stage all sweaty and he says to his chauffeur, take me to that shithole Craiglang so I can buy some foam [inaudible 00:10:56] and cola bottles.

Naveed: Who is this coquettish vision hiding behind the beets? Meena, you are worth a pump. Aye, dream on.

Meena: [foreign language 00:11:13].

Naveed: Oh shut up woman. Biggest fan. You couldn’t even name one of his songs.

Meena: Angels.

Isa: Clamped.

Naveed: All right, smart arse, how does it go then?

Meena: Down the waterfall, wherever it may take me, I know that life won’t break me. When I come to call, he won’t forsake me. I’m loving angels instead.

Meena: Shattered, take that.

Tam: Ah look at it. Is that not a thing of beauty?

Bobby: Check this out, Tam, this is just one of a million things this thing can do, right? Look, we photo of Kerry Katona, watch. Big photo of Kerry Katona, instantly enlarged.

Tam: Oh, yes indeedee, that is a fantastic thing that, right enough. How much?

Bobby: 250 quid.

Tam: Two hundred and fi … Bobby look, Metro. Free. Oh, we photo of Kerry Katona. Watch this. Oooooh, big photo of Kerry Katona. Instantly enlarged. 250 quid, that’s not an iPad, Bobby, that’s a fanny pad.

Bobby: Oh Tam, you don’t get it, this is the 21st century. This is how intelligent people with things of substance to say communicate.

Bobby: Having a pie and beans, lol.

Tam: Good update, Bobby. Ach, they things are all good and well but will never replace television. No, no, if it’s no broke, don’t fix it. Here, been watching a smashing thing recently. Con tricks and that. The real hussle.

Bobby: Aye, that’d be right up your street, you miserable bastard. Aye looking for something for nothing.

Tam: These tricks are like magic. Nobody sees them coming. Shopkeepers, punters, barmen.

Bobby: Aye, you better no try any of that shite on me or you’ll be watching your old black and white tele through one eye.

Tam: I wouldn’t do that to you, Bobby. It wouldn’t be charitable.

Bobby: You bastard, when did you take that?

Winston: What’s happened to you?

Bobby: Aye, that’s the first time I’ve seen a customer come into my pub legless.

Tam: Shut up Bobby, can you no see he’s struggling? Now is not the time to be mocking this man’s affliction.

Bobby: Sorry.

Tam: Now Winston, where’s your parrot?

Winston: Rap it, you couple of shit pots. This bastarding leg.

Tam: What, you’re good one?

Winston: No, the one I threw in the canal.

Bobby: What did you do that for?

Winston: Well, I’m standing there and I’m talking to Andy Kinniburgh, right, and the whole time he’s yapping away to me, that stupid, fat ugly dog of his is pishing up against my trousers and it soaked right through to my leg, only I’m no feeling it because it’s made of rubber.

Bobby: A rubber dog?

Winston: I don’t know what Andy’s feeding that bastarding pot licker but the smell off it’s pish, oh, it was like out of date battery acid. Absolutely raging I was, so I took a penalty kick at the dog and the leg’s come off and right into the canal. Sploosh, gone, down like Polaris. The dog’s clocked the leg and bolted after it, so that’s the dog, Andy and the leg all in the canal now.

Tam: So, the leg’s gone?

Winston: Completely. It sleeps with the shopping trolleys, knives, swords and every unwanted cat in Craiglang.

Bobby: What about Andy and the dog? Did you save them?

Winston: Aye, aye that’s right. I hopped along the canal bank in slow motion, like David bastarding Hasselhoff. My big man tits wobbling up and down like Pamela Anderson. Aye and I jumped in and I saved them, aye. Get it up him and his stupid dog, he’s still in there for all I care.

Winston: Gie’s a lager, Bobby. Here, Tam. Have you seen this?

Tam: Pensioner hides 7,000 pound in hoover.

Winston: No that, the advert.

Tam: What is that?

Winston: It’s a bionic limb. Every night I sit in the hoose and I stare at that picture.

Tam: What, is this like the real thing?

Winston: Well, it’s as near as damn it as you’re going to get to the real thing but no for the likes of me. I mean, that’s American that thing, it’s a fortune. You’d have to wait years to get something like that out of the hospitals here.

Bobby: Hear about old Tony Fraser?

Winston: Tony Fraser. He’s deed to me.

Tam: Why’s he deed to you?

Winston: The dirty crawling bastard gave Stevie the bookie a birthday card.

Tam: Oh did he? He’s deed to me, ‘n’ all. Anyway, what about him?

Bobby: He’s deed.

Tam: What? Tony Fraser’s deed.

Winston: Oh well, that’s a bit of a shame. Bobby, what is that you’re doing? You’re lit up there like a bloody corpse, well more than usual.

Bobby: It’s an iPad.

Winston: Oh, iPad, eh? What I wouldn’t give.

Tam: Your left leg? Here dafty, tell him how much you paid for it.

Bobby: No, no, no.

Winston: See if I had the money, I’d be buying one of them ‘n’ all. Good luck to you, Bobby son, don’t listen to him. Here, what does it do?

Bobby: Everything. News, Twitter, in-built camera, eBay.

Winston: Porn?

Bobby: What?

Winston: Can you get porn on it?

Bobby: I don’t know, can you? Do you think? If you say so. I wouldn’t know.

Winston: Wouldn’t know? Let’s just see, shall we? My daughter’s got one of these. She bought it for her boy, he was supposed to be up in his room studying. Turns out he was pulling the lid right off it.

Winston: Then you go, history, that’s it. Textbook error, Bobby boy. Chug Vision.

Tam: Get it surfed.

Audio: Shoot your muck with Chug Vision. Best girls on the next-

Tam: Jesus Christ.

Winston: I never knew they came in that size.

Victor: Hello stranger.

Jack: What is that basterding racket? Is there a football match on or something?

Victor: Maybe something’s happening at the Clansman and nobody’s told us.

Jack: No, Isa would have said something, surely.

Victor: Aye, it’ll be the young team on the spare ground. Them mutant weans.

Jack: Aye, what did you say that for?

Victor: What?

Jack: When I came out of the kitchen there, you said, “Hello stranger.”

Victor: Och. You were away in there for bloody years, Jack.

Jack: Well, I’m back now so shut up.

Victor: Aye, good.

Jack: I was going to make us a sandwich.

Victor: Sandwiches, smashing.

Jack: I couldn’t, the bread was all blue moldy. It looked as if it’d been in there seven year, the state it was in. What’s this we’re watching?

Victor: Och, it’s this shower of wankers live at some bastard arena, you know? They’ve no performed together for years, they’ve settled their differences and now they’re back.

Jack: I hate that.

Victor: What’s that?

Jack: Aye, because it gets on your tits, doesn’t it? That’s us back. See once you’ve chucked it, you should stay chucked. Never come back ’cause it never works.

Victor: Aye, it’s always a disappointment.

Jack: Aye. All they’re doing is lining their bastarding pockets.

Victor: Aye, aye. Back to ring the last bit of sweetness out of our cold, hard cash, eh? They must think we’re daft, only a mug would pay to see a bunch of pensioners staggering about the stage, you know?

Jack: You wouldn’t catch me coughing up for that shite. Monty Python.

Victor: Bloody parrot sketch.

Jack: Ministry of silly walks. Ministry of silly cocks, more like it.

Victor: I like it, Jack, aye. What’s this here?

Jack: That’s an invite.

Victor: An invite to what?

Jack: My Fiona and Tony, that’s them been married 20 years now. They’re going to renew their vows in Canada.

Victor: Canada? We get to go back to Canada?

Jack: Och no, it’s a none starter. She knows I’ll no go for that, no. I’ll buy her something and send her something nice, you know?

Victor: Ach, you’re probably right, Jack. I couldn’t do that flight now anyway. The jet lag, the deep vein thrombosis.

Jack: The fact you weren’t invited. See there’s that noise again, it’s like laughter and merriment coming out of the Clansman.

Victor: Aye, laughter and merriment are not two words I associate with the Clansman, Jack.

Jack: No.

Victor: Nah, it’ll be the young team pissed up outside Naveed’s.

Jack: Aye, full of that scoodooba.

Victor: Here Jack, what’s going on here with your furniture? It’s all moved about.

Jack: I done that earlier on. I don’t know why I did it, I just felt like a change.

Victor: That’s dangerous that. I could have come in here, gone to sit in my regular seat, gone on my arse, boof, hip smashed, nee naw, nee naw, Royal. My seat’s normally there.

Jack: Aye well, it feels right like this.

Victor: Well, it doesn’t feel right to me.

Jack: Maybe you’re catching that Alzheimers.

Victor: Shut up. The seating’s all different. It’s all back to front.

Jack: Oh be quiet, sit on your arse.

Victor: Oh well, I’m just saying.

Jack: Parrot sketch. You see, that shit doesn’t work because you cannae put a television show on in a theater.

Victor: No, indeed you cannot. Why not?

Jack: Well, it’s its own wee world a television show, isn’t it? But in the theater, live. The fourth wall, they call it.

Victor: The what wall?

Jack: The fourth wall. In a theater there isn’t one.

Victor: What you on about, Jack?

Jack: I don’t know. Say for instance, right, this was a theater.

Victor: Jack if your flat was a theater, it’d be a bloody flea pit.

Jack: Och, be quiet. No what I’m saying was, if this was a theater, right, that wall there wouldn’t be there.

Victor: Jack, if that wall wasn’t there, then Agnus McFarlane’s display cabinet would be lying on the floor. All that shite she keeps in it would be in bits.

Jack: Aye, you’d probably need planning permission for that, right enough. Och, I don’t know what it is, it just feels right to be facing this way. See if that door was to go just now and I was to go and answer it, right. I wouldn’t go and answer it like this. I’ll tell you for why because that would feel pig ignorant but if the door was to go the noo, ding dong, I’d feel I’d want to answer it like this.

Victor: Have you had a stroke, Jack?

Jack: No, but if I was going to have one, I’d want to have one right here you see.

Victor: For who?

Jack: For them.

Victor: The weans outside Naveed’s?

Jack: No, the audience. Did you think we weren’t going to talk to you? No, that would be pig ignorant. What we’ve done is we’ve fooled you, you shower of wankers.

Victor: Jack, sorry, you cannae talk to the audience like that.

Jack: No, no, I don’t mean they’re wankers. I’m just trying to make them laugh, trying to be funny and that, you know.

Victor: It was funny, it’s just there’s a way you talk to an audience and that, my friend, well that’s not it. If you’ll allow me, good evening.

Audience: Evening.

Victor: We’ll do our utmost to bring you an entertaining show, avoiding that feeling you get when something you’ve previously enjoyed returns only to leave your heart filled with the black emptiness of utter disappointment.

Jack: No, that’s garbage. I believe my friend is being too flowery here. What he actually means to say is he hopes the show will not be shite.

Victor: Well said, Jack.

Jack: Right, what are we doing now? Will we hit them with the patter? Is that what you want? To be hit with the patter?

Victor: A wee bit of audience interaction, a little bit of chat, that’s what it’s all about.

Jack: Get you all going. Right, I know what to do. This always works.

Victor: On you go, Jack.

Jack: Here you go. What have you all been up to?

Victor: No, no, Jack. There’s 10,000 of them, we’ll be here all night. Allow me. Is there anybody in from Kilmacombe?

Audience: Aye.

Victor: Yes, very nice part of Scotland that.

Jack: Spotlessly clean there, aye.

Victor: Lovely, very nice.

Jack: Anybody in from Bearsden?

Audience: Yes.

Victor: Good hooses in Bearsden as well, aye. Anybody in from Maryhill?

Jack: Right, I know what we’ll do.

Victor: What’s that, Jack?

Jack: I’ve seen this in the television. This always works.

Victor: Let me see.

Jack: Gets the crowd all going and all the rest of it. Jesus Christ the length of this stage. Right, they do it in fitba stadiums, all around the world, you see. It gets everybody warmed up. It’s what they call a vibe.

Victor: Okay. A vibe, eh?

Jack: Look at the size of you, you’re only that size now.

Victor: Hello, now.

Jack: What we’re going to do is we’re going to do a Mexican wave, right?

Victor: Jack.

Jack: What?

Victor: Mexican waves are shite.

Jack: Aye, Mexican waves are shite. I know what we’ll do, we’ll do a Craiglang wave.

Victor: Oh, a Craiglang wave.

Jack: Right, everybody’s got to get involved with this. Absolutely everybody. Here’s what we do, after the count of three, you stand up and you go, “get around ye.” Then you sit down again and that goes right round the stadium, like that.

Victor: It washes across here and it gets over here to Uncle Victor and we send it back to Jack by going, “aye, watch me.”

Jack: No lazy bastards.

Victor: No lazy bastards.

Jack: You’ve been warned. One, two three, “Get around ye.”

Victor: Here we go. Here we go. Fantastic. Aye, watch me!

Jack: Oh yes. Perfect. That was marvelous. That was the best one yet, that was fantastic, well done. There’ll be a lot of money lying under the seats now.

Jack: Now, see these people down here, Victor, all these people here.

Victor: These fine people here, yes?

Jack: They are the die hards. They are the faithful.

Victor: The box set brigade, yes.

Jack: Oh yes. They don’t come doon the Hydro for any old garbage. Your Clapton’s, your Prince’s, your Buble’s. No thank you but Still Game, oh yes please. Box office meltdown, Chernobyl.

Victor: As soon as you all heard the show was happening, you got on the blower.

Jack: Yes, and happy you were to hing on for nine hours only to be cut off twice before you got some tickets.

Victor: Whereas these people up here, Jack, they can only be described as the casual approach, you know? They farted about, they thought, there’ll no be any stampede for that old pish.

Jack: Now, the people up there.

Victor: Oh you’re confused, Jack. That’s not people.

Jack: No, they are people. They wee dots of people.

Victor: Wee dots of people, hello.

Jack: They bastards didn’t want to come at all. No, they got their tickets for their Christmas or some such. Wherever they were on Christmas morning, opened the envelope, what is it? Oh, it’s a ticket. Is it Lady Gaga? Is it Katy Perry? Is it Rod Stewart?

Victor: No, it’s Still Game. But are they good seats? Not particularly, no.

Jack: Are we inside the building? Very nearly. Och, Rod Stewart. For the price of that thicket you only get one old pensioner but for the price of your ticket tonight, you get the whole gang.

Victor: I’m out of patter, Jack.

Jack: Aye, so am I. Clansman?

Victor: Clansman.

Audio: Learn to speak Craiglang. Listen then repeat. Listen. “Back off you spooky bitch.” Now it’s your turn. Repeat after the beeps. “Back off you spooky bitch.”

Tam: Here Bobby, can you get the radio on this?

Bobby: Aye, any station you want.

Tam: Radio 2.

Audio: So, pint prickers, here’s the top five Jack and Victor put downs. Down one place to number five.

Bobby: Oh, look who it is, Mickey and Minnie.

Jack: Who?

Bobby: The Disney characters.

Jack: Okay then, two pints, you goofy bastard.

Audio: A non mover at number four.

Bobby: Oh, look who it is. Batman and Robin.

Victor: We’ll accept that as long as you’ve got Catwoman you pussy.

Audio: Last week’s number two, down one to number three.

Bobby: Oh, look who it is. Regan and Bush.

Jack: Well, that must make this pub the Shite House.

Audio: And still at number two.

Bobby: Oh, look who it is. Cannon and Ball.

Victor: Shut it, Bobby or we’ll cannon your balls into the middle of next week.

Audio: And for a record 18 weeks running, that’s one week longer than that Canadian prick singing the Robin Hood song. At number one it’s still …

Bobby: Oh here, you’re fairly putting the beef on, Jack.

Jack: That’s right. Every time I shag your wife, she makes me a sandwich.

Jack: Two pints, prick. I love burning that bastard.

Victor: Never gets old, Jack. Never gets old. Aye, I see what you’re talking about noo. The fourth wall, Jack. Can you see it? The Clansman, it’s all different too.

Jack: Aye, aye. The puggie’s in the wrong place, the door’s in the wrong place. That’s so all these good people can see what’s happening. It’s all fake shite.

Victor: Fake shite, eh? There we go. Look at that fake shite, aye? We’ve managed to make the shittiest pub in the world even shittier.

Jack: That’s an achievement, isn’t it, eh?

Bobby: What are you doing to my pub and more importantly, who the bloody hell are you talking to.

Jack: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Victor: Look at their faces, Jack. They’ve no tippled.

Jack: Tippled to what?

Victor: The elephant in the room.

Winston: Who, Isa?

Isa: Oh you …

Winston: I never meant it like that.

Victor: The audience. You’re allowed to talk to the audience.

Jack: We’ve seen them already. Up you go. Knock yourself out.

Isa: Oh Tam, look at that. Oh here, they’re away up there ‘n’ all.

PART 1 OF 4 ENDS [00:32:04]

Isa: Oh Tam, look at that. They’re way up there in aw. Hello. Oh here, I don’t know where to start, it’s been that long. Oh, now, yes, I mind Donnie Aicheson, 3 up in Osprey Heights. Aye, he was bumming about a boy, how he was that smart, gonna go to Harvard. Junkie now, I’m telling you.

Bobby: Isa, naebody’s interested. Right, my turn. Wow. I’ve never seen the pub so busy.

Winston: Bobby, that is shit patter.

Bobby: They laughed.

Winston: Aye, oot o’ sympathy. They felt sorry for you. You’re gonnae have to try harder than that.

Bobby: Right, they’ll like this one. I used to be a werewolf, now I’m okaaay.

Winston: Oh Jesus. I used to be a werewolf, but I’m all right nooow.

Bobby: Right, two nuns-

Tam: No, no, not at all. Off. I’m delighted we can talk to them, you know that. I’m bursting to ask. Is that a program there, aye? How much was it? A tenner? Stupid bastard.

Victor: Take it easy Tam.

Tam: Take it easy, by Christ. Think about it. You’ve got to pay a babysitter, you’ve got to park in that carpark. Eight quid, greedy bastards. Then you’ve got your chips, your drinks, your cheesy burgers. Your programs and tickets, for this. I mean I would understand it if it was for Mrs. Brown’s Boys.

Winston: Can I just say something here? I mean, I know it’s popular and all that, right, but I don’t actually get Mrs. Brown’s boys. You know what I mean? Well, it’s a young person pretending to be an old person, it’s just no believable, is it? And I’ll tell you another thing folks, it’s no actually a woman. It’s a guy, full set. You heard it here first. Wee showbiz secret for you, a spoiler they call that.

Jack: Right okay, he’s about said hello. Okay, so stop staring at them.

Isa: No, wait a minute, Navid’s not said hello.

Victor: Oh, neither he has, oh aye.

Naveed: Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here. Come on now, those robbing bastards out there are charging four quid a go for a hot dog. Plus, you might get e-coli, huh. End up shitting through the eye of a needle. These cans are hermetically sealed, only 80 pence each, and you get eight. Two [00:35:03], it’s not rocket science. It’s five quid for a photo you, ya thieving bastard. Hot dogs, get your hot dogs here.

Victor: Navid, stop trying to sell stuff and get back up here.

Naveed: Two cans for one fifty.

Jack: Hey.

Stevie: Jack, Victor.

Victor: Who’s this now?

Stevie: How am I no in this?

Jack: Stevie the Bookie.

Victor: Stevie the Bookie.

Jack: How are you no in this show?

Stevie: Aye, in this show. I’m a key cast member.

Victor: Naebody likes you Stevie.

Jack: To be fair, you’re a hate figure.

Stevie: Oh, how am I a hate figure?

Winston: Look, Stevie, nae disrespect or anything, right. But you’re an arse hole. See us, we’re all likable. But you’re no, you’re black hearted, you’re a villain. I mean if it was a panto you’d be front and center.

Isa: But it’s no a panto, Stephen.

Stevie: So, I’ve no to be in it then?

Victor: No, there’s nothing for you to do, son.

Stevie: Do you no think that’s ridiculous? I mean, I’m in the show loads, but the first I hear there’s a show happening, was on Clyde One. These tickets weren’t even freebies. I had to buy these.

Bobby: Never mind giving it the Shrek cat eyes, you bad bastard. You’re fooling naebody.

Stevie: I’m getting in this show.

Tam: Stevie, give me 20 quid, I’ll see what I can dae.

Bobby: Shut up. No you arenae. Oh, and Stevie.

Stevie: What?

Bobby: Feel the burn. Feel the burn.

Victor: Look at this Jack. Winston, what the hell happened to your leg?

Winston: I was talking-

Isa: Well, his leg’s at the bottom of the canal.

Jack: What?

Isa: He was talking to Andy [Kinobrough 00:37:03] and his dog started pushing up against his-

Winston: Isa, pause. Sky Plus. Episode delete. No, no, no. Series delete. Shut up. Here boys, have you seen this?

Jack: About 50 bloody times. Electronic luxury leg. You’re always pouring over that. I’m surprised the pages arenae stuck together.

Winston: But do you see the price? I mean 250,000.

Victor: For Christ’s sake Winston, give it a rest, you’ve got to live in the real world. This is Craiglang. Of course you’d like a Steve Austin bionic leg, I’d like a Ferrari. Jack here would like to go to Canada to see Fiona renewing her vows, you know?

Jack: Aye.

Victor: Bobby here would love an extra two inches on his cock. Giving him a grand total of four. It’s never going to happen.

Jack: Aye. Daft wee four inch cock, that’s a cracker. Yeah.

Bobby: Is that true Jack? Fiona renewing her vows?

Tam: Aye is it, aye. That’s right.

Bobby: That’s nice.

Tam: Aye, it is nice, thank you.

Bobby: How is she?

Tam: She’s fine, thanks for asking Bobby.

Bobby: Is she happy?

Tam: Yes, she’s very happy Bobby.

Bobby: Tell her I’m asking for her.

Winston: Victor-

Victor: Uh-uh.

Winston: Isa, un-pause.

Isa: Well.

Victor: Isa, come you with me, for God’s sake. Once in your life do the right thing. Not a word.

Isa: But it’s a good story Victor.

Victor: So was the Titanic, and we know how that ended.

Isa: I just think-

Victor: Shh.

Isa: I-

Victor: Silencio.

Isa: Ah-

Victor: Catatum. Non chattieum.

Jack: Two whiskies, Bobby.

Bobby: Oh, don’t concern yourself. You should nae get involved with this. This is the future, which is something you don’t have much of. ‘Cause you’ll be dead soon.

Victor: Shut up, what is that thing?

Jack: Christ, it all lights up, now leave it alone.

Bobby: Oh, look at yous. Yous like the monkeys at the start of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Approaching the obelisk. Oh, what is it Victor? Is it a space ship?

Jack: Shut up, I know fine well what that is.

Tam: Oh ho, this’ll be good eh. Right boys, the floor is yours. What is it?

Jack: Well it’s obviously a …

Victor: Yes, they call ’em the …

Jack: It’s a … ugh [inaudible 00:39:31] we’re daft.

Bobby: Oh I don’t know. But we’re about to find out. Well, what is it?

Jack: What is it you think that is?

Victor: I don’t know. Is it a phone?

Jack: No, no, no. I think it’s too big to be a phone.

Victor: Maybe it’s a television.

Jack: Television?

Bobby: Quickly, I’m going to have to hurry you.

Victor: Let’s go for TV.

Jack: Aye, okay.

Victor: Okay.

Jack: Oh no. I know what it is, I’ve remembered. I saw it on breakfast TV with, what do you call her, with Lorraine Kelly. And she called it a … what was it again, a fudge.

Victor: A fudge?

Bobby: I’m going to need an answer.

Jack: Shut up. What happens is, when it’s all cloudy, you’ve to pull out all your plugs, and all your information goes down into your fudge.

Victor: Fudge. Go get ’em Jack. That’s my mate.

Jack: It’s a fudge.

Jack: Tablet! I meant tablet.

Jack: Tablet! Oh, Jack.

Bobby: Too late. I have to accept your first answer. You said this was a bar of fudge.

Jack: I meant tablet, I got confused.

Bobby: Yes, you did Jack, you get tablet confused with fudge. People often do. This is an iPad.

Isa: That’s too good. Fudge by Christ. The iFudge.

Victor: Isa, get back here now. Isa.

Jack: Isa. You can shut up you bastards.

Bobby: Oh, no, no, no, no. Let me have my moment. Fudge. Jack and Victor, burnt to a crisp by me. Oh, this day will go down in history. One small step for Bobby, one kick in the bobby for Jack and Victor.

Tam: Aye, you’ve gotta give him that boys. You’ve been toed right in the boss.

Victor: Aye, well, piss takin’ aside, what does it dae?

Bobby: What does it no dae? It’s an oracle. Anything you want to know, this has got the answer.

Jack: Right, so you can ask it a question and it gives you an answer back? Buck Rodgers pish.

Bobby: No Jack, it’s called Siri. Ask it anything at all. Anything.

Victor: What happened to Hughie McPherson’s hand down the briggy?

Siri: What anti human thousands won a baguette.

Jack: No, you’re no listening son. What happened to Hughie McPherson’s hand in the briggy?

Siri: I don’t understand the question.

Jack: That’s because you’re a half witted tosspot. Hughie McPherson lost two fingers while trying to cut the legs off a coffee table.

Victor: Oracle my arse hole. Jack.

Jack: What happened to Hughie McPherson’s hand down the briggie?

Victor: He lost two fingers trying to cut the legs off a coffee table.

Jack: Thank you, orac-hole.

Bobby: Now wait a minute, it doesnae understand raw undiluted Glaswegian.

Jack: Well, if it doesnae understand us, who cares? Certainly no me.

Victor: Nor me.

Jack: He just walked off. Right.

Victor: Okay, okay.

Speaker 1: If I can have your attention please ladies and gentlemen. We’ve had to stop the show for a moment I’m afraid as one of the actors has had to leave the stage. We have understudies for all the actors, I know it’s not ideal but if you just bear with us for the moment we’ll push on.

Speaker 1: Okay ladies and gentlemen, we’ll now continue with the show. If you’ll please welcome to the stage Winston’s understudy.

Tam: Crutches, crutches.

Jack: Are you nervous? Aye we’re all quite nervous now, just tae try breathe in breath out, breathe in.

Tam: Winston.

Edith: Edith.

Tam: What?

Edith: My name’s Edith.

Tam: Aye, I know that, but you’re playing the part of Winston.

Edith: Ooh aye, aye right, aye.

Tam: Are you ready?

Edith: Aye, aye. Break a leg.

Tam: Thanks.

Edith: That’s funny int it? Break a leg. ‘Cause Winston’s only got the one leg and if he broke that he’s be [inaudible 00:45:16] …

Bobby: Do you want a drink Winston?

Edith: Pint o’ Guinness.

Jack: Right, you’re not getting this are you? You’re Winston.

Edith: Winston.

Jack: Not Edith.

Edith: Not Edith.

Jack: Who drinks lager.

Edith: Lager.

Jack: Not Guinness.

Edith: Right.

Jack: So when Bobby the barman asks you what you want, you say lager because you’re playing Winston. That’s what’s in the script, okay?

Edith: Right. Hold that Tam. That’s better.

Bobby: Do you want a drink Winston?

Edith: Pint o’ Guinness. You see, it’s my thing boys. People say that to me in the street, they say dae that line. It’s my gimmick. I’ve opened a couple of bingo halls after that. See, pint of lager is nae funny boys. Right. Pint o’ lager. Tell you, pint o’ Guinness. Aah. Funny, funny boys.

Winston: It’s alright. I was only needing a Brad Pitt.

Edith: So is that me?

Victor: Aye hen. Best of luck in your future endeavors.

Edith: Cheers. I’ll be back. Bottle o’ that.

Bobby: Can I get you a drink Winston?

Winston: Pint o’ Guinness.

Jack: Hey.

Victor: Hey.

Winston: Fancied a change.

Bobby: Aye, yous are dinosaurs. See, this is a game-changer, look. That’s me taking a photo. That’s called a selfie.

Winston: See when I was young, a selfie meant something different back then, you know? I would have two or three selfies a day sometimes.

Tam: I had that many selfies one night I passed oot.

Tam: Hello Francis darling. Yes, yes, I’m in Navid’s. You’re in Navid’s? I’ll be there shortly, okay.

Jack: Since when did you get a phone?

Tam: Shut up you old duffer. You’re still communicating using smoke signals for your pipe.

Victor: Buy a phone Tam Mullen.

Tam: Correct. I found it on the bus.

Winston: Would I be able to watch a movie on this Bobby?

Bobby: Certainly Winston. Fire in.

Winston: Oh look at that. A picture house in your hand. You were right Bobby son, they are the Flintstones. We are the Jetsons.

Jack: What film are you gonnae watch on it? My Left Foot.

Victor: Legless in Seattle.

Jack: Forest Stump.

Victor: Footloose.

Jack: Silence of the Limbs.

Victor: Das Boot.

Jack: No, Schindler’s Limb.

Victor: Oh!

Winston: Aye aye, very good, get it up yous.

Jack: Oh come on now, we’re only having-

Winston: No. You took the piss. Bite my shite.

Bobby: Ah, well done boys. Another example of how old and stale yous have become. You’ve emptied my pub.

Victor: It’s not quite correct not is it Bobby? However it can be arranged. Jack, would you care to consult the orac-hole once more?

Jack: Where could we buy some cans of beer to take up to our house and drink so we don’t have to give Bobby the barman any more of our bastard money?

Victor: Navid’s!

Jack: Thank you orac-hole. Here, take two of them.

Bobby: Right. Chug vision. Time for a selfie.

Speaker 2: Learn to speak Craigland. Listen then repeat, listen.

Isa: He said, et tu brute, I never ate two o’ anything.

Speaker 2: Now it’s your turn. Repeat after the beeps.

Isa: He said, et tu brute, I never ate two o’ anything.

Winston: Isa.

Isa: Aye.

Winston: What was all that about earlier? With Jack and Bobby about Fiona?

Isa: I’m holdin’ my tongue.

Winston: Your tongue cannae be held. Your tongue is a bucking bronco that would throw a 25 stone cowboy of his arse. Come on, spill it. Isa. Taking the fifth Isa?

Naveed: Naw she’s taken the flumps.

Winston: I’m not done with this line of inquiry, you. Not by a long shot. This investigation is far from over. Thanks Navid.

Naveed: Christ sake eh? He’s like a bloody detective.

Isa: Eh, more like a private dick.

Naveed: Here Isa, you need to take a break. You haven’t had any lunch. Take something to eat apart from the flumps which clearly repulse you.

Isa: I’m fine.

Naveed: What’s the problem woman. I’m saying help yourself, I know it is hardly Dale Winton’s Supermarket Sweep but I offer eh and you always refuse.

Isa: No reason.

Naveed: Aye reason. Take a sausage roll.

Isa: A value sausage roll?

Naveed: Aye.

Isa: It’s the word value, it’s puts me off.

Naveed: You shun value?

Isa: It’s just the world, value. I mean it’s not very enticing int it no?

Naveed: I like to see nice words wrapping there like luxury, chef selection, gourmet. The Greggs sausage rolls don’t have enticing words written on them.

Isa: No but they’re no all full of shite are they?

Naveed: I knew it. You’re looking down on my sausage roll.

Isa: No, I just think you could have more healthy things in like vegetables.

Naveed: Vegetable?

Isa: Aye.

Naveed: Vegetables? Vegetables are for west end wankers. Craiglang craves value. And that value takes the form of shite. Your suggestions to improve the shop are like telling the captain how to steer the ship, when you merely swab the deck. This is you. This is me. I don’t tell you how much bleach to put in your bucket do I?

Isa: You do actually.

Naveed: Aye well, you use too much.

Victor: Hey ho Navid.

Naveed: Ah gentleman, what can I do you for? Wait a minute, I’ve got a call coming in, on my iPad. Oh no hold on, it was my iPad mini.

Jack: Isa you bastard.

Isa: I’m sorry boys, it was too good not to share. Imagine not knowing what an iPad was.

Stevie: I’m no even Stevie. I’m my brother Frankie.

Jack: Oh shut up.

Victor: Isa, see these iPads, they’re no for the likes of Jack and me. They’re for the young type.

Naveed: No they’re no, they’re for everyone. I use mine so my customers can online shop here. I can even speak to my brother in India.

Victor: India? Wow.

Jack: This online shop-

Naveed: It is using the router to get wifi which is connected via ethernet. I get about 800 gigs of connectivity which allows my customers to FaceTime me.

Isa: Look at them, [inaudible 00:54:42] faces. They’re like Jedward on Mastermind.

Victor: What’s FaceTime?

Naveed: FaceTime, huh? They see me, I see them.

Jack: Aye, Bobby’s got one of them.

Naveed: They ask me what they want. I prepare it for them. They come and pick it up. You have to embrace technology gentlemen, eh? Progress cannot be made by simply standing still.

Jack: Aye well, quit the sermon. Has Winston been through here?

Naveed: Aye aye. His face was [inaudible 00:55:15]. Why?

Jack: Ah well he was in the Clansman and he was using one o’ they things, you’ve got one of they pads that Bobby’s got to watch movies on and we take the mickey out of him didn’t we?

Victor: Aye, taking the piss with movie names aimed at him having the one leg, it was good.

Naveed: Example?

Jack: The Good the Bad and the Wobbly.

Victor: One Shoe Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Naveed: You said those things to him?

Jack: No we said other things.

Victor: No those two were just made up there.

Naveed: Right, so you think this is a bit of sport eh? Reducing a once able-bodied spirited man like Winston to comedy movie titles?

Victor: No.

Jack: It was pretty funny at the time.

Naveed: Losing a limb? For a man like Winston? Is like cutting the penis from a tiger and throwing it onto the fire.

Isa: That’s like somebody I knew.

Naveed: You knew somebody who threw their cock onto a fire?

Isa: No. Partick McCallum.

Victor: Partick? Do you not mean Patrick?

Isa: No, Partick.

Jack: Who the hell calls a wee un Partick.

Isa: It was a nickname.

Victor: What was his real name?

Isa: John.

Jack: How does John become Partick?

Isa: It was as he was pawning his suit so they called him Suits McCallum, and then it was Suits and Boots, then he dropped the Suits bit and it was just Boots McCallum, until he kicked his next door neighbor’s cat, then it was Bootsie Cat. Then he dropped the Boots bit and it was just Cat. Until he got a promotion at Beatie’s Bakery but he became the boss and then it was Boss Cat. And then Boss became Partick Cross and then just Partick and that’s how he got his name.

Jack: Jesus Christ almighty Isa, why didn’t just tell us at the beginning this fella was from Partick.

Isa: He was nae. He was from Paisley?

Victor: What about Partick for Paisley.

Isa: Well folk thought he was taking the mickey out of him.

Naveed: Taking the mickey about what, woman?

Isa: He’d one eye bigger than the other. No just a wee bit bigger but a hell o’ a lot bigger. Like it was magnified. It was like Sherlock Holmes was looking at you. It was the size of a cricket ball. A big white, stern eye with a bloodshot ring round about it, and it was eye a tear but because of the size of it, it was about a cup full o’ water that come out of it, and his shirt was aye soaking.

Naveed: And his nickname was Partick?

Jack: Oh aye, why didn’t they just call him Big Eye McCallum?

Victor: Aye or Eyeball or-

Jack: Or Cyclops or something?

Isa: Because that would have been horrible.

Naveed: Farewell. Feels like my beard grew three inches listening to that [inaudible 00:57:58] tale. Isa’s right eh? Go and find Winston. Apologize to the poor old bugger.

Jack: Aye, probably went too heavy with the leg.

Victor: Aye, committed a foul, the old studs shown.

Jack: Football, aye. Aye, we’ve threw a bog roll onto the pitch and called the referee a wanker and then pished up the back of somebody’s coat because we’re all trying to get to the toilet whole loads of people-

Victor: What you on about Jack?

Jack: Eh, is it football because I don’t know anything about football.

Victor: Right, we’ll go see Winston in the morning, first thing and we’ll apologize.

Jack: Aye, okay. Actually you know what? I think we can go one better than that. See Shug Navid, does he come on that padlet thing to get his virtual messages?

Naveed: Aye aye, that’s his shopping there in fact.

Jack: Right well can you get him up on it? Me and Victor want to give him a facial.

Naveed: Aye but I think you mean FaceTime.

Jack: Hey?

Naveed: A facial is something different all together.

Jack: Aye well whatever, get him up on it will you?

Naveed: Hello Shug, your messages are ready.

Shug: Ah righto Navid.

Naveed: Jack and Victor want a wee word with you.

Shug: Hello Jack, hello Victor.

Victor: Hello Shug! We are in Navid’s and can see you!

Naveed: What are you shouting for? Look at his lugs, he’s hardly deaf?

Jack: Hello there Shug, sorry about this, won’t take long, over.

Naveed: Over? You’re not on a walkie talkie in Dad’s Army.

Victor: Shug, what’s that you’re doing?

Shug: I’m fishing. I don’t use rod but, not when you’ve got these bad boys. I can hear the fish coming up see?

Jack: I tell you what it is Shug, Winston’s seen a thing in a magazine, it’s an electronic sort of leg affair but it’s from America and it costs a fortune. Could you build a thing like that?

Shug: Oh in this magazine, aye I seen that. Well I could probably give you a version of it, you know me I like a project.

Jack: How long would it be?

Shug: Same length as the other leg.

Victor: No Shug, how long would it take?

Shug: Give me a couple of day.

Jack: Right good, but not a word mind because it’s a big surprise, you know what I mean?

Shug: I can keep a secret. Who do you think I am, that daft old gas bag Isa?

Victor: No no no.

Isa: I’m standing beside them Shug.

Shug: Oh, hello Isa.

Jack: So, here’s the thing-

Shug: Shh. Ta da.

Jack: Marvelous int it? That is fantastic that thing.

Victor: Aye, aye.

Naveed: See this is what sets you two apart eh? You going one better than an apology, you’re making up for you bad comedy movie title behavior. This is good karma. Gentlemen, well done.

Jack: Aye, thanks. See you later Navid.

Victor: See you later Navid.

Naveed: Isa. Winston’s leg. I’ve got a belter. Beverley Hills Hop.

Isa: Oh!

Jack: That was quite a good laugh he got for that line there.

Victor: What line Jack?

Jack: That Beverley Hills Hop line.

Victor: Aye, better than it went last night hey?

Jack: Aye but he garbled it last night. I think he was shite-ing himself.

Naveed: Bastard.

Victor: To be fair to him though it was a tough crowd last night, you know very very hard work, very dry.

Jack: Aye, different crowd tonight. I mean there’s a few [inaudible 01:01:30] in but half of them are pished.

Victor: Half of them are pished, aye. Here Jack, I clocked this old dame, sitting in the front row, she’s got a bottle of thunderbird in her bag man.

Jack: Aye, I saw her. She was worth a plunder.

Victor: Why’s that red light on on your microphone?

Jack: Hey?

Naveed: I means your microphones are still on you pair of dozy bastards.

Victor: Jack? You said that woman in the front row was worth a plunder.

Jack: Aye I know. But listen look, see when we go out don’t even look in her direction. Don’t make eye contact with her. As if it never happened.

Jack: Oh she totally is a bit, isn’t she.

Victor: Aye. See you’re getting a wave there Jack. Hello sweetheart. She’s milf.

Jack: I think you want to put your glasses on. She’s gilf.

Victor: Hey Jack are we going to Winston’s?

Jack: Eh, We’ll go later. Did you get the papers?

Victor: Aye aye aye, it’s beautiful out there this morning, it’s peaceful, serene almost.

Jack: Ah, I love a quiet start to the day me. You had your breakfast?

Victor: I have aye.

Jack: What did you have?

Victor: Porridge, you?

Jack: I had porridge, aye. Canny whack it, not the way I take it anyway.

Victor: Shut up, don’t start all that.

Jack: I’m surprised you’ve got any teeth left in your head the amount of sugar you take in your porridge.

Victor: I’m surprised you’re not lying on the floor in a heart attack the amount of salt you take on yours.

Jack: It’s a very English thing that, taking sugar on your porridge.

Victor: No it isn’t.

Jack: Yes it is. Very English indeed the sugar.

Victor: I see your line fisherman, with it’s shiny lure but it shall remain untaken, for I shall swim past it.

Jack: Yes, very English the sugar, whereas we the Scots were afforded no such luxury. We had to take salt of all things on our porridge and we grew to like it. Why? Because we had tae.

Victor: Can we get to the end of this bit Jack? Because see because I like a lousy spoon for your sugar on my porridge I’m single handedly responsible for the Highland bastarding Clearances. I’m Craigland born and bred.

Jack: Born and bred?

Victor: Aye.

Jack: A true Scotsman would have said breid.

Victor: Are you calling me English?

Jack: Aye.

PART 2 OF 4 ENDS [01:04:04]

Victor: You calling me English?

Jack: Aye.

Victor: Read your stupid wee paper. Aimed at you, that paper.

Jack: Aimed at me?

Victor: Aye, aimed at your type.

Jack: Oh aye, this’ll be good. What’s my type?

Victor: Well, the wee navvy type with the bonnet and the wee gripply pipe smoking voice, and the keely legs. “Here, where’s my paper? Gimme my paper til I get a read of it.”

Jack: I don’t speak like that.

Victor: First thing you see when you open that paper, Jack, is tits.

Jack: Oh, so you don’t like tits now?

Victor: I love tits. I’m often in the Clansman having a pint with Tam and Winston. Jack, what we doing? Sitting here first thing in the morning narking at one another.

Jack: I’m sorry. I think it’s just because I’m missing my Fiona, to be honest. Wish to Christ she was renewing her vows here.

Victor: I know. You couldn’t go the first time, could you?

Jack: No, that was just after Jean had died. They were the dark days.

Victor: Aye. Here Jack, Jack, wait a minute, wait a minute. What if you could be there without leaving Craiglang?

Jack: Be where?

Victor: Canada.

Jack: You took too many of your sore back tablets?

Victor: No, no, the technology, it’s all round us. That electric pad that Bobby and Navid showed us. We spoke to Shug on it. Navid speaks to his brother.

Jack: In India?

Victor: Aye, well India’s much further away than Canada Jack.

Jack: So you’re saying I could see her on one of those things on the actual day, as if I was actually there? That’s fantastic.

Victor: You could do a damn sight more than that. You could give her away. You could say a few words.

Jack: What, like a speech?

Victor: Aye.

Jack: Oh boy. Aye, no long flight, no jet lag. Right here from Craiglang.

Victor: Aye.

Jack: That’s like bloody Star Trek, man.

Victor: Aye, like Star Trek, aye. Now, beam us up a cup of tea and a couple of biscuits, Scotty.

Jack: Scotty now, is it?

Victor: Aye, the wee growly engineer down in the basement pressing all the buttons. “Captain, the ship can’t take it anymore.”

Jack: Oh right, so that makes you the captain?

Victor: Picard.

Jack: Who’s an Englishman.

Victor: Oh you bastard, I’ll give you that one, Jack.

Jack: Aye.

Victor: Right, scratch the tea and biscuits. Winston’s warp factor six.

Jack: Yes.

Isa: Well, would you credit it? That’s the interval. Now, yous can away for a drink and snack, or maybe a wee pee pee son, if you’re needing. Aye, spend a penny. But some of yous will just want to sit there, no wanting for anything, wondering what’s going to happen the next bit.

Tam: Isa Brennan, Isa Brennan you come here right now.

Isa: Well, I’ve not to say, but see if he’s got the iPad. Bobby, I’m just going to say one thing.

Bobby: Isa, Isa that’s plenty.

Tam: No, don’t tell them. Let them go out, let them go out and buy more merchandise.

Bobby: Come on. [crosstalk 01:07:03]

Isa: [inaudible 01:07:03]

Winston: It’s open. What yous wanting?

Victor: To apologize.

Winston: What for?

Jack: All that shite about your leg down the Clansman yesterday.

Winston: Doesn’t matter. I’ve more to annoy me.

Victor: Like what?

Winston: Well, I’ll tell you like what. I phoned the royal infirmary there, and the lassie’s after telling me it’s going to be three weeks before I get a new leg. So I gave her 20 down the phone and slammed it down, and I went and got roaring drunk, decided I would go down to the canal and try and fish my leg out with my crutches.

Victor: What happened?

Winston: My crutches are lying at the bottom of the canal as well now. Both of them. That bastarding canal is swallowing me one bit at a time.

Victor: So, how’d you get back up the road?

Winston: Isa gave me a backy. She’s a strong woman. She picked me up, slung me on her back like a sack of tatties.

Jack: All the way from the canal?

Winston: Aye, and talking the whole time.

Victor: What the hell about?

Winston: Och, I’ve no idea, I wasn’t listening. I was pished, I sang all the way home.

Jack: Snapped your brush. What was that with, temper?

Winston: No. I tried to make a new leg. As soon as I put my weight on it, it snapped.

Victor: Listen Winston, we’ve put a wee thing in motion that we think’s going to sort your problems out for you.

Winston: What’s that?

Jack: Oh no, no, no, it’s a surprise, but it’s a good thing. But know this, all that garbage about your leg, we’ve stopped that, it’s not going happened again.

Victor: We’re really sorry about that, it won’t happen again. Never. Never.

Winston: That’s good boys. I appreciate that, because I’m at the end of my tether here, I really am.

Victor: Jesus Christ, Jack. I can’t resist.

Jack: Resist, resist, we promised.

Winston: Looks at yous, eh? An open goal. Your arseholes are twitching like rabbits noses to get stuck in. Aye, well fill your boots. There’s your starter for 10, fill your boots.

Jack: No, no, no, no. We’re men of our word. Can you walk with that thing?

Winston: Aye.

Jack: Well, that’s what to do. Come down the Clansman with us, we’ll get you a pint, that’ll cheer you up, eh?

Winston: That will be right. Standing in The Clansman with a ukulele for a leg. Bobby giving it, “You want a pie Winston? You must be Hank Marvin. Aye, you’re walking funny Winston, have you snapped a ham-string.” No, no.

Victor: Well, that’ll happen if you go down there in those stupid shorts, aye, but put some trousers on and fire a shoe on the end of the ukulele, and nobody will be any the wiser, Winston.

Winston: You think?

Jack: Aye.

Victor: Aye.

Winston: Aye. Aye, alright, I’ll do that. Might even have a pie.

Jack: Aye.

Victor: Aye.

Jack: Pint of lager and a pie down The Clansman. Can’t go twang with that.

Speaker 2: Learn to speak Craiglang. Listen, then repeat. Listen.

Speaker 3: (singing)

Speaker 2: Now it’s your turn. Repeat after the beeps.

Speaker 3: (singing)

Jack: Right, what you wanting?

Victor: Wee goldie.

Jack: Aye, two goldies, Bobby.

Victor: Goldie will do me, aye.

Jack: And stick a pint of lager up for Winston, will you? I’ve got you a lager but-

Victor: He’s no there, Jack. Winston. Come on in and stop being stupid.

Tam: Change us 20 for the puggy please Bobby.

Bobby: Aye. That’s 15, and five nuggets.

Tam: Thanking you. Oh, what am I like? I’ve got a pocket full of change here, stupid. Tell you what I’ll do, there’s your five back, there’s your five nuggets, I’ll take a tenner.

Bobby: Right. Hold on Tam, you’ve given me a fiver and four nuggets.

Tam: Oh, so I have.

Bobby: Is that the best you can do Tam? Is that all you’ve learned from watching your con programs? How to try and shortchange me a nugget?

Tam: Tell you what, I don’t need your change. There’s your nugget, that’s your tenner, I’ll back my 20.

Bobby: Gladly.

Jack: Aye, freeze. That really was a pleasure to watch, wasn’t it Victor?

Victor: Yes, indeed Jack, it was breathtaking.

Jack: Yes, but you’ll not know what happened there, will you?

Victor: That’s because you were watching a master craftsman at work.

Jack: But because we’re in the Hydro we can rewind and replay what this sleekit bastard has actually done. Rewind.

Tam: [inaudible 01:13:40]

Bobby: [inaudible 01:13:40]

Jack: And play.

Tam: Change that 20 for the puggy please, Bobby.

Bobby: Right, that’s 15, and five nuggets.

Tam: Thanking you.

Jack: We’ll fast forward this bit and then we’ll go into slow mo to see a wee bit more of the action. Fast forward.

Tam: [inaudible 01:13:53]

Bobby: [inaudible 01:13:53]

Jack: Slow mo.

Tam: You know what, I don’t need your change. There’s your nugget, there’s your tenner, I’ll take back my 20.

Jack: And freeze. But what’s actually happened is Tam’s come in here with 20 and he’s now got 10 pound belonging to Bobby, giving him a total of 30.

Victor: Tam has bamboozled Bobby by getting Bobby to do two things at the one time.

Winston: And everybody knows that two things at the one time is beyond Bobby, because Bobby is a wanker.

Jack: And play. And there Tam goes the winner, started with 20, now has 30.

Isa: And Bobby none the wiser.

Jack: So there you are, Victor, the lettuce has eaten the rabbit.

Victor: Stunning.

Jack: And now the coin drops.

Bobby: How did … when did …

Jack: Now, some of you in the audience will have watched that, you still don’t know what happened. Well, tough titty.

Victor: Yes, tough titty indeed. Buy the DVD, which will soon be available at all good retail outlets.

Jack: Or you can get it down the Barras, if you’re a dirty pirating bastard.

Victor: Yeah, Jack. You dirty pirating …

Jack: Pirating bastard. People do that, they do that, aye.

Victor: They do do that.

Stevie: Tam, what are you like, eh? The lettuce has eaten the rabbit.

Victor: Get yourself out.

Stevie: Aye, alright, alright.

Jack: What’s that?

Victor: What’s that?

Bobby: Oh, that’s Shug calling.

Shug: Alright Bobby, is Jack and Victor there?

Bobby: Jack, Victor. Shug.

Jack: Oh aye, right you are. Hello Shug, me and Victor are here, but Winston is here also.

Shug: Oh, right, right. So this call is to provide an update on project Heather McCartney. Delivery will take place tomorrow, 1700 hours GMT, when Juno and Vauxhall will meet with Shergar to receive fat boy, and reconnaissance with whiskey for attachment and deployment.

Jack: Are you are. Juno and Vauxhall signing off. Let us know when the leg’s ready Shug, will you.

Victor: Shh, you stupid.

Jack: What?

Winston: What was all that about?

Victor: Nothing at all Winston, nothing at all. Bobby, we’ve a favor to ask you.

Bobby: Aha?

Victor: Can we get a loan of the paddy?

Bobby: Aye.

Victor: Thanks.

Bobby: Pad. It’s iPad. No, I’m not giving you a lend of it, you don’t even know what it’s called.

Jack: Look, we’re only needing to borrow it for two hours.

Bobby: Jack, you and Victor are that old and decrepit you’d have it dropped, smashed, and in the pail and minutes. If Apple wanted pensioners to use the iPad, they’d put wee handles on it. No.

Jack: Oh come on, I’m desperate to see my Fiona renewing her vows in Toronto. It’s on Saturday.

Bobby: We’ve covered this. The iPad is beyond yous. Oh, it’s a pad you’re needing, of paper, an envelope, and a stamp. That’s more your level.

Victor: Bobby, you’re not understanding us. We’re trying to keep up with you with all the new things, we just thought with that thing that he could see Fiona, and Fiona could see him on her big day. He can give her away, he can say a few words. He couldn’t go the first time, Jean had died, you with me?

Bobby: Do you know how to work it?

Victor: Bobby, yesterday we thought it was fudge.

Bobby: You couple of old duffers. And when is this? Saturday?

Victor: Aye, Saturday, 6 o’clock.

Bobby: Their time or our time?

Victor: Their time.

Bobby: Right, so what does that make that our time?

Victor: Well, there five hours behind.

Bobby: So, what does that make that our time?

Victor: 11.

Bobby: Well, who gets married at four in the morning?

Isa: Bobby, they’re five hours behind us.

Bobby: Wait, so what time is it?

Jack: 8 o’clock.

Bobby: So the wedding’s at three?

Jack: Where are you getting three from?

Bobby: You said 8 o’clock. Eight minus five equals three.

Jack: No, it’s 8 o’clock the now.

Bobby: I don’t care what time it is the now.

Jack: Shouting.

Bobby: When’s the wedding?

Winston: Saturday.

Bobby: What time on Saturday?

Winston: 6 o’clock. What is it you’re not understanding?

Bobby: 6 o’clock out time, or their time?

Winston: Their time.

Bobby: Right. So six plus five-

Victor: 11.

Isa: 11.

Winston: Sake Bobby, you brainless bastard. It’s not an iPad you’re needing, it’s an extra set of fingers.

Tam: And he wonders how I took a tenner off him.

Bobby: What?

Tam: Nothing.

Bobby: I’m not giving you a loan of the iPad. But, if yous want I’ll keep the pub open for yous on Saturday so yous can come in and use it and do your Fiona thing.

Victor: Way, Bobby.

Jack: That’s very good of you Bobby, thanks very much.

Bobby: No worries. It’d be nice to talk to Fiona again anyway.

Jack: You’ll not be talking to my Fiona. You’ll be too busy pulling pints down there, or banging your fist on the top of that keich box microwave to fart out another off cooked pie. But you will not be talking to my Fiona, right?

Bobby: Right.

Jack: Talk to her …

Winston: Right you, come here. What’s going on there?

Isa: What?

Winston: That whole Jack, Bobby, Fiona verbal Bermuda Triangle. What’s happening?

Isa: I’ve no idea.

Winston: Pish. You’re the puggy that always pays out. Come on, get it told.

Isa: No, I don’t think so. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be able to hold a secret, I’d have that spread quicker than crabs in a whore house, but I have discovered a pleasure unknown to me until now. The pleasure of you not knowing, and it’s killing you, and I’ll tell you for why. You act all snipping when I’m gossiping, but secretly you’re into it too, big time. You are the pretender to my nosy bastard throne. Oh aye, you and me are one in the same, like two sides of the one coin, like mirror and reflection.

Winston: Peas in a pod, eh?

Isa: Aye.

Winston: Maybe you’re right, Isa, maybe we are made for each other. Isa, you complete me.

Isa: Eh?

Winston: Tell me what went on between Bobby and Fiona, you tight lipped bastard.

Isa: Ah.

Winston: Ah, my only foot.

Isa: 10 for effort Winston, 10 for effort.

Winston: I could’ve slipped you the tongue there.

Isa: Oh, Pete the jakey’s got more chance of slipping me the tongue, you filthy pig, you. A wedding, right here in The Clansman. Will they be able to see us and all?

Victor: Aye love, the best thing is we don’t even have to be there.

Tam: And that means you don’t have to buy anybody a drink.

Bobby: On that subject, Tam, that shit you pulled earlier, I don’t know what happened there, but my arse is sore, so I do know I’ve been pumped. So let me say this to you, in front of everybody here, enjoy that pint, because that’s the last pint you con out of me.

Tam: Don’t flatter yourself Bobby, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. I merely use you for training, a medicine ball, a skipping rope, a punchbag if you will.

Bobby: What are you on about?

Tam: I’m moving on up from the pub league to the premiership.

Jack: That’s rugby.

Victor: Shh, Jack.

Jack: Sorry.

Tam: Let me tell you this, yesterday in the chip shop I witnessed a man consume an entire meal for free. Why? Because that man was a priest, and because of that the boy behind the counter couldn’t bring himself to charge him. I had an epiphany, for what is a priest? Many things, I proffer you would answer. A holy man, a celestial guide, a conduit to divine converse. But not to me, to me he’s merely a black shirt and a wee bit of white cardboard, both of which I’ve got in the house.

Isa: You’re not going to impersonate a priest? You should be ashamed of yourself, Tam Mullen.

Tam: Father Mullen.

Bobby: You do what you’ve got to do, Tam, because you’re done here. No more fleecing, my guard is up, the shutters are down. This saloon is now closed.

Tam: I’ll pray for this town.

Bobby: This Bobby’s not for pumping.

Jack: How, have you got something the matter with your bobby, Bobby?

Victor: Have you got a dicky bobby, Bobby?

Bobby: Not my bobby, me Bobby.

Winston: Me Bobby. Me Tarzan, you Jane, Tam pint, you none.

Naveed: Plastic binoculars. Get your plastic binoculars, only three quid a pair. Come on you, specky, you. You were watching Isa for 20 minutes, you thought it was me, huh? Get some goggles. This could be your chance to make up to your wife for sticking her in such a pish seat. Might even get your hole, huh? No? Okay. Plastic binoculars.

Winston: Navid, shop.

Naveed: Shite.

Jack: Eh? Nervous? Not at all Fiona, of course I’m not nervous, I’m only delighted I couldn’t be there for you. Well, in a manner of speaking. Aye. Oh, no, no, that’ll not happen, don’t worry about that, no. Oh no, I can hear them, aye. Oh no, well I’ll let you go then, that’s lovely. Alright, darling, speak to you soon. All the best, cheery bye, bye.

Victor: That you sorted aye, Jack?

Jack: Aye, clockwork. I give her away at 11, and then at 12 I make a speech, and they’ll be able to see me on the Paddy Power, as if I’m actually there.

Victor: Aye, amazing isn’t it?

Jack: Aye.

Victor: Listen, I’ve been doing some thinking, Jack. See on the big night, you can’t be drinking.

Jack: Oh, no, no, no, not a drop. No, no. Well, that’s all fine and dandy for you, isn’t it? You’re on Tennent’s and I’m on Tizer.

Victor: No, no, no. I’ll be looking after you. I see myself as the best man in this situation. I’ll go sober with you.

Jack: That’s good of you.

Victor: Two of us on the one wagon.

Jack: Aye, good, aye.

Victor: Me with a hip flask.

Jack: Eh?

Victor: Just winding you up, Jack. Give us your speech.

Jack: Och, no. I’m just going to wing it. I’m just going to do it off the cuff, just do my banter, my patter and that.

Victor: You patter, eh? Aye, because you’re widely renowned for your patter, aye. Have I Got News For You never really recovered after you left, did it Jack?

Jack: Shut up. I’d be brilliant on that.

Victor: Would you, aye?

Jack: Aye. I’d be like that to that wee baldy goblin with a wee bit of fluff at the front, what do you call him? Hislop, aye. He’d say something snide to me and I’d just go, “Shut up baldy, or I’ll separate your bastarding plums.” Put his gas at a peep. Aye. I’d also say, “Oh by the way, I didn’t go to a good school. No, no, no, so I’ll be battering your melt in.”

Victor: That’s quality satire Jack, he’d be clamped at that. Look, fail to plan is a plan to fail. Now, you weren’t there the first time for Fiona, so you’ve got to get things right, the sentiment and that. It’s live, you’ve got have given it some thought.

Jack: I have given it some thought, and I think doing it off the cuff’s the way to do it. It’s more personal, it’s more natural.

Victor: Oh well.

Jack: Right okay. Tony, you have been my son-in-law for many, many years-

Victor: Cut.

Jack: What?

Victor: I’m not really feeling that Jack. You’ve got to give it more gusto, that was very flat.

Jack: I’ll flatten your nose. You’re supposed to be the best man here, not the bastarding director. Cut. Alfred Bitchcock.

Victor: Aye, well excuse me Robert DeNearly.

Jack: Aye, fine well.

Victor: I will go well. Action. Roll them.

Jack: Tony, you have been my son-in-law for many, many years, and indeed you’ve been a smashing provider to my Fiona, and indeed the grand weans. But because I wasn’t at your wedding the first time, I didn’t get the chance to say that if ever I should find out that you’ve lifted your hands to my Fiona, or indeed the grand weans, you’ll be getting hammered, you’ll be getting kneecapped. I will-

Victor: Ho. Who’s this Chigogi gangster standing in front of me? First you’re kicking shit out the wee baldy goblin off Have I Got News For You, then you’re getting on a plane to kneecap your son-in-law. For what? For nothing?

Jack: Aye, well it’s a jovial thing, except for a message in there for him as well.

Victor: They’re only renewing their vows Jack, they’ve been together for years. You’re not meant to threaten Tony. There’s going to be women in hats there, keep it polite.

Jack: Och, polite. No, my grand weans will be there, they’ll be wanting to see their funny old Scottish grandpa. Anyway, all their wee teenage pals will be there and all.

Victor: Teenage pals? Jack, why didn’t you say so? There’s only one thing to hit them with, then. The young patter.

Jack: The young patter. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. I like the PlayStations, do you like the PlayStations?

Victor: Have you heard all that new rapper music? I’ve heard it, and I like it.

Jack: Have you heard it?

Victor: I’ve heard it all, aye.

Jack: All the rapper music?

Victor: All the rapper music.

Jack: Alright then, name a rapper.

Victor: One rapper?

Jack: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Victor: The now?

Jack: Right now, aye.

Victor: Totie Temper.

Jack: Oh you bastard, I didn’t know you knew that, aye.

Meena: [Foreign Language 01:29:17]

Naveed: What dress?

Meena: [Foreign Language 01:29:20]

Naveed: You’re not going to Jack’s thing.

Meena: [Foreign Language 01:29:27]

Naveed: It’s Saturday night, we open late, and it’s your turn. Tough titty.

Meena: Shut up. [Foreign Language 01:29:36]

Naveed: The only thing you’ll be zipping up tonight is your onesie, when you get home late from your shift here.

Meena: Asshole.

Naveed: [inaudible 01:29:44] Isa, come and eat something, line your stomach.

Isa: Navid, I’ve told you before, I don’t want to fall out or offend you, but with the greatest respect I wouldn’t eat your value muck.

Naveed: But Isa, if you don’t eat something you’ll be pished after the one sherry.

Isa: I will eat something. I’ve got some mushroom soup in there I’ve made. I picked the mushrooms myself.

Naveed: Picked them?

Isa: From the graveyard. I’m saying I’ve my own soup with mushrooms I picked myself in the graveyard in October. You’re not following this son, are you?

Speaker 2: Learn to speak Craiglang. Listen, then repeat. Listen.

Speaker 3: Open this door, for I am a bogus gasman.

Speaker 2: Now it’s your turn, repeat after the beeps.

Speaker 3: Open this door, for I am a bogus gasman.

Jack: Hey ho.

Winston: Hey ho. I can’t go.

Jack: How not?

Winston: You go.

Jack: We’re going to go.

Winston: I know.

Victor: Are you not?

Winston: No.

Victor: Let us guess, is it the leg?

Jack: Ah, have you given up the ukulele?

Winston: Shut up. Aye, it’s killing me.

Victor: Well, you might change your mind Winston, when you see what we got Shug to build you.

Winston: Oh aye? What’s that? Oh my giddy aunt.

Jack: How about that?

Winston: That’s beautiful.

Jack: Now, we’ll need to get it on you. Right, we need to be careful what we’re doing because-

Winston: Right okay.

Victor: It’s easy, it’s easy. It’s designed, it’s so easy, easy to wear.

Jack: Custom built for you. There we are.

Winston: Here boys, this is unbelievable. Look at that, it’s the total balance, isn’t it?

Jack: Aye.

Winston: I don’t know what to say. Listen, thanks guys.

Jack: Listen, don’t thank us, thank Shug.

Winston: Oh, look at this. Look, watch this, look, look, look.

Jack: Oh, careful.

Winston: No, I’m alright, I’m alright.

Victor: Easy, easy.

Jack: See look, you look like the tin man out The Wizard of Oz when he first got oiled.

Winston: (singing)

Jack: (singing)

Victor: (singing)

Winston: Here, tell you what boys, yous will not be making jokes anymore.

Jack: No, put you do look a bit like that police from the future though.

Victor: Aye, Robocock.

Jack: Aye, very good, aye.

Winston: Get it up yous.

Jack: Right come on, pint.

Speaker 2: Learn to speak Craiglang. Listen, then repeat. Listen.

Speaker 3: Boof, right in the Niagara Falls. Boof, right in the Costa Del Sols. Boof Right in the Davina McCall’s.

Speaker 2: Now it’s your turn. Repeat after the beeps.

Speaker 3: Boof, right in the Niagara Falls. Boof, right in the Costa Del Sols. Boof Right in the Davina McCall’s.

Victor: Oh boy.

Jack: Oh this is it, eh Bobby?

Bobby: Ah, Jack, Victor, Winston.

Winston: Bobby, son, wait until you get a load of this.

Jack: Eh? Hoe about that?

Bobby: Oh wow. What’s the story there? Prozac?

Winston: Get it up you. It’s a new leg. Shug made it for me.

Bobby: Oh, fantastic. Well, I wish your health to wear it Winston.

Winston: Well, that is the correct response, Bobby boy, because anything other than that, and I would’ve kicked you in the whole with it.

Bobby: It’s got more lights on it than the puggy.

Isa: Aye, it’s smashing that. It’s like Doctor Who, it’s like a Dalek’s leg.

Winston: Daleks don’t have legs, you dizzy bastard.

Bobby: What is the deal with all the lights though Winston?

Victor: Oh dear, oh dear.

Jack: Oh dear, oh dear. Oh, look at where you’re at now. What’s the deal with all the lights? You’re like a Cro-Magnon man. This leg has got gigabytes, it’s got an internal driver, it’s got sensors, it’s got blue loo.

Victor: Blue tooth, Jack.

Jack: Eh? What did I say?

Victor: You said blue loo.

Jack: What’s that?

Victor: That’s the stuff you put in your cistern to make your lavvy water blue.

Jack: Well, obviously it’s not got that. The point I’m trying to make is Shug has pimped that leg to the max.

Winston: Here, what’s this? Headbutt mental, isn’t it?

Jack: No, no.

Winston: Head but mental, isn’t it.

Jack: Aye, aye.

Winston: That’s good that, isn’t it.

Naveed: I got that to keep us awake. That is like an adrenaline shot to the heart. Poof.

Bobby: Right, who wants a drink?

Winston: Lagers.

Isa: Peach sherry, Bobby.

Victor: Two orange juice, Bobby.

Naveed: Make that three.

Bobby: Oh Jesus Christ, I keep the pub open for you and I’m not selling any drink? Could’ve had this in a scout hall.

Jack: Trying to keep a clear head Bobby.

Bobby: Fair enough Jack. What are you not drinking for, Victor?

Victor: I’m the wing man Bobby. You wouldn’t see a sober pilot and a drunk gunner now, would you?

Jack: Aye, thanks Victor.

Victor: It’s alright Jack, we’ll get minging after this.

Jack: Aye, honking.

Isa: Wait a minute, where’s Tam?

Victor: Jesus Tam, your face.

Isa: Oh god.

Jack: What’s happened to you?

Victor: Bobby, get him a drink.

Tam: I don’t want a drink. I don’t think I could keep it down, to be honest with you.

Isa: What the hell’s happened to you, Tam?

Naveed: Was is the young team?

Tam: No it was not the young team. It happened in that chip shop.

Jack: Oh, you never done that priest thing Tam, did you?

Victor: Told you that was a bad idea Tam, somebody’s lamped you.

Tam: Aye, I know. Och, I’ll tell yous. I’ve dug out a nice black shirt, and I carefully cut out a bit of white cardboard in the house to make the dog collar, and I looked good, I felt the part. In fact, when I sat down at the table in the chip shop that lassie said to me, “Good afternoon Father.” Well that was it, I was in. I’ve ordered a fish supper, the boy that was frying the fish has nodded over, I’ve nodded back. Nobody suspected a thing. The supper arrived and I drowned it in salt and vinegar, I mowed into it sharpish. I fired the remaining chips on to some bread and butter, and I’ve scuttled that too. I managed to wring two full mugs of tea out of the pot, it’s a smashing sized pot you get in there.

Isa: Aye, and …

Tam: Oh aye, well I’ve finished-

PART 3 OF 4 ENDS [01:36:04]

Isa: And?

Tam: Oh I, well I finished and I made the international sign for the bill. The bill. The boy shook his head. “No father. No charge.”

Tam: No charge father? Well I’ve done it. I’ve pulled it off. Now I’ve seen my sail I and all the fancy cafes in the world. Paris, London, Rome, eating gratis buckshee. All my life has been leading up to this. All that stands between me and a lifetime of free scran. Twelve lousy feet to that chip shop door. So I makes my way across the floor. I’m two feet, two feet from freedom. That’s when a waitress starts [inaudible 01:36:45] heating, shouting. “Oh, come quickly, for God’s sake, father. Mr. Gallagher’s had a heart attack.”

Jack: [laughter]

Victor: Strike.

Jack: Sorry.

Tam: I’m thinking on my feet. I thought, oh, I’ll a wee out and get an ambulance. But no, he’s pulling me back now. “It’s too late for that.” Pulling me back to this big fat fellow lying on his back when he’s not looking good. His wife’s there and she looks up at me. “Oh, thank god you’re here, father. I know Malik’s not going to make it. Can you give him the last rites?”

Tam: Last rites? I don’t know anything about that. I did see something in Colombo once. So I’ve got an idea. I kneels down and off I goes. “The Lord absolveth you of all your sins.” That’s all I got. Now I’m rambling. “The Holy Spirit will look after ye and will hooketh you up by all your old pals in heaven.” Now I’m getting to look funny and I’m thinking to myself, “Latin. Nobody understands Latin.”

Isa: Jesus Christ.

Tam: I know. I’ve went, “Nomine Padre”, and I went “Spiritu Sancti” and I’ve went “Domino Pizza”.

Tam: That’s when the collar pings open. And the chip shop boy goes off his nut and sets about me.

Jack: For your collar pinging open? That could happen to any priest.

Tam: Aye. Didn’t say every priests’ collar doesn’t say Kelloggs.

Bobby: Tam, this ones on me.

Jack: Aye, it is ever that.

Tam: Thanks Bobby, son.

Victor: [inaudible 01:38:43] that Tam, aye.

Tam: Thanks for the free paint, Bobby. Bit polish. Boom!

Bobby: You bastard!

Jack: [Laughter]

Victor: Tam, you only did a priest thing.

Tam: A lot of pestering this daft prick. [laughter]

Bobby: Here’s your number, Jack. It’s time to go, Fiona.

Victor: Oh, here we go Jack.

Jack: Right.

Victor: Come on now. Big deep breathes. Deep breathes. Are you nervous?

Jack: A wee bit, aye. Looks like the dawn of a new age, isn’t it. It’s like the moon landing all over again.

WInston: You know that there’s more technology in that iPad there than there was in all the computers in Houston for Apollo 11.

Victor: Aye, that’s if they went at all.

Bobby: The moon landing.

Victor: Load of pish.

Bobby: Can’t even survive in the Moon. No atmosphere.

Jack: There’s more atmosphere in the Moon than there is in the Clansman, Bobby. [laughter]

Bobby: That’s them there.

Jack: There we go.

Fiona: Hi, Dad.

Jack: Hello, darling. Oh my god, you look beautiful. You look just like your mother.

Fiona: Thanks.

Jack: Aye.

Fiona: Shush. We’ve started.

Jack: Oh, right.

Fiona: Sorry.

Minister: That’s quite all right. Welcome, Mr. Jarvis. You timed your arrival to perfection. I was just about to ask the all important question, who gives the hand of Fiona away today?

All: That’s him here.

Jack: Be quiet, be quiet. That’s myself. Jack Jarvis, esquire.

Minister: If any man can show any just cause why Fiona and Tony may not once again be lawfully joined together, let him now speak or forever hold his peace. Always a tense moment, that one. [laughter]

Minister: We now have the privilege of witnessing the continuation of a great and joyous union of not just a loving couple, but of a family. Including a proud father, watching from across the ocean, but very much here in spirit. I now pronounce you man and wife.

Jack: There we go, aye.

Fiona: See you in an hour, Dad!

Jack: You will darling. Of course you will, aye.

WInston: That was amazing.

Victor: Ah, well done Jack. You alright?

Jack: Aye, enjoyed that.

Victor: You did her proud. Okay?

Jack: Have a little speech in an hour.

Victor: Yep.

Bobby: Right. Drinks.

Victor: Yes, Bobby son.

Jack: No, no, no.

Bobby: Oh for god’s sake, is this a mourning wake?

Jack: No, [inaudible 01:41:25] my best behavior.

Victor: Yeah.

Jack: Look, let me get this speech done in an hour. Right? And then we can get absolutely slick. Until then, as far as the consumption of alcohol is concerned, can we show a bit of decorum? Exercise a wee bit of restraint[crosstalk 01:41:38].

Victor: Well said, Jack.

Jack: Aye.

Victor: Shut up already.

Jack: Why don’t you just let him talk.

Bobby: I’m telling you the moon landing never happened. It was all in a TV studio. The space ship was made of baker foil. Answer me this, Will. How come they never went back?

Jack: Because there was nobody to pump on the moon. Because they’re pump and daft, the Yanks. And they’re sneaky, you know. They say what a war, right? The bastards never arrived till the last minute. And when they came here the boys where away and what were they doing? Pumping all our lasses.

Victor: That’s right. It’s the good teeth and the movie star looks. Dafty bastards, the Yanks.

Jack: Filthy Yankee bastards.

Victor: I’ll tell you something else more. They go back to the moon about six times just to make sure there was nobody to pump. Drove about in a stupid wee motor and played a round of golf and exhausted all activities and concluded, “Houston, we have a bumping problem.”

Jack: Nobody to pump on the moon, sir.

Isa: Captain Kirk pumped a green lass, and he was a spaceman.

Bobby: Hey, that’s 12 o’clock. Come on and gather together. Jack’s speech. Come on[crosstalk 01:43:13].

Jack: Give that speech now. Right. Get it done.

Victor: Did I get your jacket?

Tam: Hey ho, oh. That toilet is absolutely disgusting, it’s swimming with urine.

Bobby: Oh, which doxy bastards done that?

Tam: Me. I missed the urinal and pitched the floor.

Jack: Oh, I see. Here we went and got pissed, and I promised my Fiona her wedding day now.

Victor: Don’t panic, Jack. Have a couple sausage, a little stout minion that restore London [inaudible 01:43:42].

Isa: I know about the sausage rule. That’s all shaped and [inaudible 01:43:49]. I’m going to have some soup. Mushroom soup, I made it myself.

Navid: Oh for god’s sake, Isa, look at the state of you. Give that to me, huh? Wish I wasn’t a Muslim. Then I’d be pissed as well and jabbing shite with all you bell ends.

Navid: Bastard microwave. Three buttons.

Victor: Winston, come on. The boy is sobered up.

Tam: This is Jack’s night.

WInston: Aye. Tam’s right. I mean, the best thing we can do is not be sitting here screaming.

Tam: No. Your legs steaming.

WInston: Ah. That’s burning.

Tam: Yow. That’s absolutely red hot. What has caused that?

WInston: I don’t know.

Victor: [crosstalk 01:44:48]

Jack: [crosstalk 01:44:48] Can not be drunk, can not be drunk.

Victor: We soldiers, we soldiers.

Tam: Oh, I gambled and nearly lost there. How’s that for atmosphere, aye?

Jack: Ah, farting. You disgusting bastard.

Fiona: Is everything okay, Dad?

Jack: Yes, everything is fine, apart from the bastard and the smell, yeah. Do you want me to go on with the speech [inaudible 01:45:16].

Tony: Ladies and gentlemen, my father-in-law Jack Jarvis would now like to make a speech. Jack?

Jack: Okay. Tony, this speech is going to last about as long you’ll going to last in the bedroom department tonight. That’s a joke about premature ejaculation. He told me to say it. Don’t do that.

WInston: Here, somebodies going to have to get shunk.

Jack: Jean, that’s Fiona’s mother, she used to always used to say… Well, I can’t remember what she used to say, but it was something good.

Victor: She used to say “Where have you been, you useless bastard! Coming in at this time steaming with [inaudible 01:45:54].

Jack: That’s the way she used to talk, too, aye.

Navid: Bobby, this soup is freezing. When are you going to get that fixed, you wanker.

Victor: Ho!

Jack: Hey, there’s people that are waiting [inaudible 01:46:04] you shouting “Wanker” during their bloody thing, you wanker.

Isa: I’m awful fusty.

WInston: Here, Isa, here drink this.

Isa: Why?

WInston: Tell me what happened with Bobby and Fiona[inaudible 01:46:26].

Isa: Bobby pumped Fiona! But then she chucked him, and no for another fella, but for a lassie she met at the university when she was experimenting. I saw them on the tin man’s hand. Lassie [inaudible 01:46:47], she’s a better man than Bobby. Then Bobby phoned Fiona and asked to meet up with the both of them. Fiona thought he bounded to get back together, but as in point of fact, he wanted to watch them doing it. Fiona’s girl flame knocked seven shades of shite out of Bobby. Couldn’t eat mutton with his front teeth. After that she went to Canada. That’s where she found love with Tony. Bobby’s[inaudible 01:47:13].

WInston: [inaudible 01:47:18]

Jack: They’ve heard all that, you slabbin all that, you’ve heard it all there.

Isa: I’m sorry hen.

WInston: You dirty bastard.

Tam: Jack’s daughter?

Jack: Ah, there’s a picture win. Get her back, Bobby, come and get her back.

Bobby: I loved you, yeah boy. I want her back, Jack. That should be me soiling that shift in Toronto. Not you Tony, ya prick. I want to punch you right in the mouth, Tony, you perfect teethin, good jobbin hus- We used to love each other, Fiona. Do you ever me song I used to sing to ye. Remember? Fiona [inaudible 01:48:19], you’re absolutely marvelous, and you’ve got the sweetest titties in Craiglang.

Jack: Oh you bastard. I’ll settle down Fiona. Oh she’s away. Oh there’s she’s back.

Computer: Shoot your muck with Chugvision. Best girls on the net.

Jack: That’s not my Fiona.

Navid: Shitty microwave.

WInston: [Screaming] I’m not paying for that. Sean can pay for it.

Navid: Jack, I’m sorry I said wanker, but there’s no other way to describes ya’s.

Bobby: It’s emotionally humiliated, punched in the mouth, kicked in the teeth, [inaudible 01:48:59], bar destroyed. I’m so glad I staid open for ye.

Tam: That’s what lock ins are all about, Bobby boy.

Jack: Aye. Thanks, thanks for[inaudible 01:49:11] Bobby. Thanks very much. Thank you.

Fiona: Dad.

Jack: Yes?

Fiona: We’re talk in the morning.

Jack: Okay.

Isa: Finally, my mushroom soup. I’m starving.

Isa: Heh, where am I? I know this hand. I’ve took a heart attack, me clansman, I’ve killed her. I’m dead. Oh my. [inaudible 01:50:09]

Navid: You’re not dead, Isa, and let me tell you why. You refused to eat my sausage rolls, instead you ate some soup. You picked the mushrooms by yourself, and now you’re looped-de-looped. If someone got as high as you, you’d be blabbin on the phone, but word is out, you dozy boot, you’d oot your bastard dome.

All: Oot your bastard, oot your bastard, oot your bastard dome. Oot your bastard, oot your bastard, oot your bastard dome. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah.

Navid: Got to hand it to you, Isa dear, with you it’s never dull. You rockstar dig like pensioner, you root your bastard skull. Should have got your mushrooms from my old corner shop, but you got them in the graveyard, you oot your bastard box.

All: Oot your bastard, oot your bastard, oot your bastard box. Oot your bastard, oot your bastard, oot your bastard box. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah.

Meena: Navid. Navid. Navid. Navid. Navid you are a monster, you keep me in my place. I’m here tonight to set things right, I want to show my face.

Navid: No, listen to me Meena. That’s no use at all. Not seeing is your gimmick, that would burst the bastard ball.

All: Burst the bastard, burst the bastard, burst the bastard ball. Burst the bastard, burst the bastard, burst the bastard ball. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah.

Meena: This is not for you to decide, you walloper. It’s a decision for the people of Scotland. Take these arguments and end them. Let’s have a referendum to the entire Scottish race. Do you want to see my face?

Navid: Hold the bus. You speak English? Not the tongue of our mother nation?

Meena: Not a word. But it’s Isa’s hallucination. Ask me properly. Say “We want to see your face.” Do you want to see my face? Do you want to see my face? Do you want to see my face? It’s time to see my face.

Navid: The mushrooms are presenting you come back from outer space, but I tell you something, Isa, you still oot your bastard face.

All: Oot your bastard, oot your bastard, oot your bastard face. Oot your bastard, oot your bastard, oot your bastard face. La, la la, la la la lah.

Isa: That’s me coming up.

All: La, la la, la la la lah. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah. Hey. Hey. Hey. La, la la, la la la lah. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah. Hey. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah. Hey. La, la la, la, la la, la la la lah. Hey.

Speaker 4: Spaceman, I always wanted you to go into space, man. Spaceman, I always wanted you to go into space, man.

WInston: One small step for a one legged man-

Victor: One giant leap for Craiglang.

Jack: We’re back.

Isa: Hoo here. Oh my. Hoo, bad night. Bloody mushroom soup. Never again.

Speaker 4: Morning. Never say never.

Jack: Sit down a minute. You must be knackered. Sit down.

Victor: Aye, aye.

Jack: Thanks very much. That was lovely. So, that’s our wee show. Did you enjoy yourself?

Crowd: Yes [cheers]

Victor: We genuinely couldn’t have done it without you. It was you guys that brought this show back and we thank you for it.

Jack: Still Game fans are the best in the world.

Fergie: [inaudible 01:58:52].

Jack: And we also wanted to say what a tremendous honor it was to perform here at the Hydro. Not just for us, but for the rest of the cast.

Fergie: Not hus-ney.

Victor: The fact that this happened here in our hometown of Glasgow makes it all the more special.

Fergie: No it does-ney.

Jack: The Hydro, it truly is a fantastic stadium.

Fergie: No it is-ney.

Victor: And we sincerely hope anyone else whose lucky enough to play this venue enjoys it as much as we have.

Fergie: No ye don’t.

Jack: Fergie.

Fergie: Aye.

All: That’s plenty.

Fergie: Ha ha.

Victor: Have ya had a good time?

Crowd: Yes {Cheers]

Jack: Would ya like to see just a smidgen more?

Crowd: Yes [cheers]

Jack: Well piss off, we’ve not got any.

Victor: No. Actually Jack, what we could do is a classic scene.

Jack: Oh, aye, because if you’ve been to see Frank Sinatra you’d expect to see him singing “My Way”.

Victor: Yeah. Or Elvis, you’d want to hear “Love Me Tender”.

Jack: Aye, or Miley Cyrus without “Wrecking Ball”.

Victor: Who Jack, whose that?

Jack: Nothing, nothing.

Victor: No, aye. Would should we do? Shout something out.

Jack: A scene from one of the shows that we’ve done. Come on.

Victor: A classic scene. What would you like to see?

Jack: Pot of Pish.

Victor: Pot of Pish is a great sketch, aye.

Jack: Pot of Pish. Aye, okay, let’s do the Pot of Pish sketch.

Victor: Oh, we need to get some pish, Jack.

Jack: Why do we need pish?

Victor: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Amar with the pish. I love this scene, this cracks me up, this. What’s the matter Jack?

Jack: I’m actually not so keen on this scene.

Victor: [laughter] Ah, no-

Jack: Well, there’s an old saying. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I get covered in pish again.

Victor: But Jack, this is Still Game live at the Hydro. These good people are desperate to see you getting covered in pish.

Jack: I don’t think they are.

Victor: Would you like to see me covering my good friend Jack in pish?

Crowd: Yes.

Jack: Filthy lousy bastards.

Victor: The people have spoken, Jack. Here we go. Okay. Oh, I can’t even see the bottom, oh, it’s all cloudy, blah blah, blah… Here we go, you ready, Jack? Three, two, one. Now my friend Jack has a point. You’ve seen this before.

Jack: There’s absolutely no value in seeing it again. No, we thought it would be far funnier if one of you were the ones to be covered in pish.

Victor: Yep.

Jack: In our business that’s called audience participation.

Victor: It is. Audience par-pish-ipation, if you will.

Jack: Now, when we filmed this the first time, the pot was full of apple juice, not urine.

Victor: No.

Jack: But as I’m clearly not getting covered in it tonight, and it’s to be one of your good selves, Victor and I thought it would be highly funny if, Victor?

Victor: The pot was filled to the brim with genuine urine.

Jack: Which we procured like so.

Jack: Now, you’ll notice that neither Victor or I pished in the pot. Well, to be honest, we thought it was just clotty.

Victor: Yes, that’s too much. We have standards. Who is it going to be.

Jack: Whose it going to be? Whose it going to be?

Victor: Oh, hold on a minute.

Jack: He was desperate to be in the show.

Victor: [laughter] But there was no part for him.

Jack: But there is now.

All: Stevie!

Stevie: No, no, no, no. When I said I want to be in this show, I meant a wee story line. Maybe Winston or something.

Jack: No, no. The people in the Hydro want [inaudible 02:03:18] for a nightcap, but before that they want to see you getting drenched in pish.

Victor: Come on Stevie!

All: Stevie, Stevie, Stevie!

Jack: Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Stevie the bastard bookie.

Stevie: Hello.

Jack: Are you a fan of the water sports yourself?

Stevie: Ah, no.

Victor: Well, you’re about to be.

Jack: Sit here. I’m about to give ye a lesson in how to make this funny. Sit down. Here’s a bit of advice for ya. You got to sit up straight. Face the front. That’s comedy, that’s all there is to it. On you go Victor.

Victor: Here we go Jack. Three, two, one. He’s flinching. That’s no use.

Jack: Now, now, there is no comedy value in that. The good people here want to see you getting covered in slush.

Stevie: Yep.

Jack: Okay? So you sit up straight, you face the front. No flinching. On you go Victor.

Victor: Here we go Jack. Three, two, one. His mouths wide open. It’s going straight down his throat.

Jack: Is there something [inaudible 02:04:06] you, Stevie? You can’t be getting this muck in your mouth. Then it becomes an insurance job, and you’re in an ambulance getting your stomach pumped. Come on now. I’m trying to help you, you halfwit. Sit up straight, face forward, mouth shut. On you go, Victor.

Victor: Here we go, three, two, one. You see Jack, I can’t help but think the good people of the Hydro don’t want to see us covering Stevie in pish.

Jack: Yeah, maybe not.

Stevie: No. Thank you. Glad you’s finally seen sense.

WInston: That’s right. They want to see me cover you in pish.

Stevie: No, not you, ya-

Jack: Good night!

Victor: Good night!

PART 4 OF 4 ENDS [02:05:34]